I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
