I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
