My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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