I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
