Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
