i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
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