we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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