When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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