What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
