You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
