Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
