we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
