She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
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