i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
