i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
