Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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