your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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