mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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