Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
