My sheets look like a crime scene.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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