those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
