You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
