He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
