Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
