Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize