Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
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