I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
