I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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