Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Randomize
