When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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