i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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