Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
