So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
