There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
