Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
