seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
