he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
