I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize