I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
