I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize