the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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