I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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