Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
