I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
