I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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