First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
