i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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