I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize