o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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