god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
