I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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