I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Randomize
