i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
