Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
