last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
