I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
