speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
So here I am, sexting at work.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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