my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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