she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
