Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize