Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Operation Purity has been aborted
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
