im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
