I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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