That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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