I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Where is the hickey?
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Someone came in the potted fern
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
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