the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
