they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
