Bisexual people are plain selfish.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
