Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Randomize
